Holding On, Letting Go: Meeting ourselves in the patterns we repeat

Maybe you're always the one who texts first. Or maybe you pull away when someone gets too close. You might overthink every silence, every emoji, every shift in tone. Or you shut down completely, convincing yourself you don’t care. Whatever the pattern, it can feel like you’re stuck in a loop you didn’t choose and it can’t seem to break.

Attachment theory has become part of our everyday language. It’s all over TikTok and Instagram, reels and posts explaining anxious and avoidant behaviours, or how to spot a secure partner. These glimpses can help us reflect. But in therapy, we take it deeper.

Because what sits beneath our patterns isn’t just behaviour. It’s our history, our protection and our longing to be loved without condition.

As a therapist, I often meet people trying to make sense of their relationships. They might say they’re too much, or not enough. They might struggle to trust or feel afraid to need. Often, they’ve heard of attachment theory and sometimes that’s what brings them to therapy.

Where It Starts

Attachment theory was developed to understand how infants bond with their caregivers. British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth were amongst the first to show that our earliest relationships shape our expectations of connection, comfort and care.

These experiences form our internal working models — unconscious templates for how we relate.

The four attachment styles most described are:

• Secure: Trusts others, feels comfortable with closeness and autonomy

• Anxious: Fears rejection, craves reassurance, often hypervigilant to disconnection

• Avoidant: Distrusts closeness, values independence, often downplays emotion

• Disorganised: A push-pull dynamic of wanting closeness but fearing it, often rooted in trauma

These are not life sentences. They are strategies, ways of staying connected, surviving and making sense of love in environments that may not have always felt safe.

The Rise of Attachment Awareness

Awareness of attachment styles has grown massively in recent years, particularly online. This visibility can help people name their patterns and feel less alone. But labels can also become limiting. It’s easy to say, “I’m avoidant” or “I’m anxious” and stop there. But underneath those labels are stories, often about unmet needs, difficult dynamics or pain that didn’t have space to be named.

Research suggests around 40% of adults have some form of insecure attachment. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with them. It means they adapted. They found ways to keep love, safety or connection, even if it meant hiding parts of themselves.

When we approach attachment from this place, we shift the focus. It’s not “what’s wrong with me”, it becomes “what did I need, and how did I learn to survive?”

How It Shows Up

In adult life, attachment plays out across all kinds of relationships; romantic, platonic, familial and even professional. If you lean anxious, you might replay conversations in your head, seek constant reassurance or struggle with space. If you lean avoidant, you might shut down in conflict, keep people at arm’s length or struggle to name your needs. If you’re disorganised, you may feel torn, deeply wanting connection but fearing it at the same time.

But most people aren’t one type all the time. We shift depending on the relationship, the context and our emotional state. That’s why therapy can be such a valuable space to explore what’s really going on beneath the surface.

What Therapy Can Offer

In person-centred therapy, the relationship between therapist and client is the foundation.

Carl Rogers spoke about the importance of three core conditions: empathy, authenticity and unconditional positive regard. When these are present, healing becomes possible. Because we feel safe enough to be seen.

For clients who grew up with inconsistent or unavailable care, the therapy space offers something new. A steady presence. A relationship that doesn’t demand you to be different, smaller or quieter. A place where your needs are not too much.

Over time, that kind of relationship can help reshape how we see ourselves. I’ve worked with many people who begin to feel safer asking for what they need, expressing vulnerability and trusting others, not because they’ve forced themselves to change, but because they’ve experienced something different.

Are Attachment Styles the Whole Story?

Not quite. Attachment theory is a helpful lens, but it isn’t everything. We’re shaped by culture, trauma, neurodivergence, race, gender and countless other threads. Not all disconnection comes from childhood. And not all wounds fit neatly into one of four categories.

So, while it’s helpful to understand our patterns, we need to hold them lightly. You are not your attachment style. You are a person, with a past  and the capacity to relate in new ways.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever felt confused by your reactions, struggled to trust or longed for closeness without fear, exploring your attachment style might offer insight. But therapy offers something even more powerful, a relationship where you don’t have to explain yourself before you’re understood.

In a world that tells you to be less sensitive, more self-sufficient or not too much, therapy says: come as you are. And from that place, healing begins.